Singleness

Carrie Allen

Every Tuesday I lead a bible study for undergrad ladies attending UC Berkeley through Cru ministries. Last Tuesday, one of the girls said to me (in so many words), “Carrie, thank you for being an example of living a content single life.” She expanded her thought by mentioning that there had recently been a conference at her church about love, dating and relationships, and she was surprised to find that none of the panelists were single people. She also noted the amount of times these married panelists kept mentioning, “Enjoy your single life… you have so much freedom, etc.” I rolled my eyes at the thought of this, knowing how many times I have seen this same thing played out – married people, telling me to enjoy my singleness, at a conference where only married people are talking about love, dating and relationships. I took a gander at the church’s website recently and there was a blog posted by a married person, and their reflections looking back at their single life, resulting in advice (again) to the single person to enjoy their circumstances. While I appreciate hearing about people’s life experiences, as a single person, I get tired of mostly hearing from married people about single life. After all, how could those who were married in their twenties (especially early twenties), possibly understand what it is to be a single person in their thirties, forties, fifties etc.?

I explained to the girl in my bible study that firstly, this made me want to write a blog (here you go), but also that I hope God could continue to use me as an example of living a good, happy, content, and holy single life. I also hope that I, and other single people, can continue to bring this issue more to the forefront of our churches. Young people need to be reminded that being single is an option. And I hope as time goes on, these young people can find more acceptance of being single than I have thus far.

Maybe this one blog will turn into a little series, because it’s difficult to write all of my thoughts on this into one blog post, but for now I want to mention a few things that I feel are important for church staff and leaders, and for singles themselves.

First, sometimes people are single because they want to be single. Everyone is constantly asking me, when are you going to get married, don’t you want children? Sometimes I just lie and say, oh yah, I am looking, because if I said the truth – that I just am not interested in pursuing that right now – I am scared they will think I am weird. It’s not that I am not open to being in a relationship, but at this point, I am not ready to set my heart, thoughts, and energy on finding someone. I don’t want to date online, or peruse the bars on Friday night; I want to serve the Lord and further His Kingdom.

Second, when I do respond with this answer, please don’t exclude me from things. Sometimes, married people forget that they are privileged. Married people have more opportunities within the church than singles. I think that probably 99% of pastors are married, elders tend to be married, and leaders in the church are usually married. Married persons in the church are the norm, and being unmarried can be looked at as immature. The irony of it all is that Jesus was single. Being a thirty-something+ single in the church can also be very lonely. There is college group (18-29), women’s group that usually meets on a weekday morning (I workkkk), men’s group, youth group, parent’s group, couple’s group… Where do I fit in? I want to feel welcomed and comfortable at a local church.

And finally, for the singles – Advice from a happy and content single person – single life is great! Enjoy it! Okay, so apparently my advice sounds just like those married people’s advice to singles, but I hope mine sounds better because I am actually single. I have had time to pursue an education, I have my dream job, I am serving in ministry, traveling, and enjoying life very much.

I am not anti-marriage, and I don’t believe I am called to celibacy. But what I do know is that I am joyful and satisfied in the Lord as a single person. So, church, will you come alongside us singles and support us in this?  Pastors, how can you support your single members?

Carrie Allen
Carrie is a former regular contributor to The Two Cities.

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5 responses to “Singleness”

  1. Todd Wilkinson

    Great article!!! Full disclosure: I am a single, 33 year old man that has served as pastor of an inner city church for the past 7 years.

    This may sound radical but one of our first major realignments was discarding the so-called marriage ministries and marriage retreats. I honestly noticed that marriage was an idol, at least in our cultural context, and this idol of marriage was being used to excuse spouses from Church activities. Essentially instead of seeing spiritual fruit we were gathering religious nuts who placed the gospel secondary to their marriage. This ideology in turn would bleed over to the singles who are now distracted from serving the Lord to chasing a mate.

    Solution was to preach verse by verse for 6 weeks over 1st Cor. 7, redirect our corporate focus to “widows and orphans” in our cultural context like the Bible instructs, and to make sure that our ministries match our sermons by not placing what status above the other.

    I am not recommending this for everyone but I would be interested in how others have responded.

    Thanks

    Todd

    Reply
    1. Carrie Allen

      Todd, thanks for the comment! I was so happy just to hear you are single, in your thirties, and a pastor. Very encouraging. I find what you’ve said very interesting. It was almost shocking to me at first, which reminds me of how “brainwashed” I’ve been to feel like, “no! Don’t get rid of the marriage ministry!” 😉
      I hope more people will write about similar experiences within their churches. Maybe you could write more?? What church are you at?

      Reply
      1. Todd Wilkinson

        Hello Carrie,

        I serve as pastor at Ebenezer Baptist Church in Dayton, Ohio. Let me commend you again on your article. I am thankful for your honest reflection on this issue. It amazes me that people sometimes view singleness as the waiting room to see DR. LOVE! So it is very refreshing to hear you respond by asserting at this point you are not ready to set your heart towards that. What statement! Intellectual honesty is always appreciated! What is difficult is that most judge others by their own desires. Since they were discontent being single they assume everyone share their relationship idolatry.

        Once again full disclosure: I wish I could announce that my complete convictions arose from prayer and rigorous Bible study. However, I was raised by a single godly mother and my father was an unbeliever. I observed my mother having a career (without being a feminist) raise me in the fear of the Lord (with a sporadic unbelieving father) and attend Church functions or activities 3 nights a week while placing me in karate practice 2 nights a week. So imagine, my surprise upon becoming pastor and observing my stay at home moms complaining on facebook about needing prayer because cookies were being burnt due to caring for a 7 year old. (This is not an abstract incident; this was consistent)

        Now I am not saying this describes every marriage ministry but our marriage ministry was just an adult nursery. Your statement about singleness being viewed as immature is sooooooooooooo accurate!! This is amazing since rushing into marriage can be an even more dangerous sign of immaturity and carnality. One of the ways we have counteracted this fleshly mindset, and it is fleshly, is by having our older married couples and older singles describe in detail to younger singles the horrors of being in a bad relationship or marriage. Also by teaching on the familial relationships from the patriarchs and matriarchs of the faith we are able to distinguished between God’s ideal and our reality. (Honestly Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, David & Bathesheba’s marriages are not exemplary; truthfully, who wants to have an older dying husband that is sickly, has other wives, and upon his death bed they place a young pretty virgin in the bed with him?!?!?!)

        Your article was a breath of fresh air. I thank you so much for this article. Do you have any suggestions? Refinements? I would love to hear them. Or could you share what your own Church is doing in their cultural context?

        God Bless again and thank you!!!

        Todd
        3rd John 2

        Reply
  2. Johh Morgan

    Carrie – The main problem is that the world idolizes marriage and family. And unfortunately this includes the church. They can only define the unmarried state in terms of being incomplete, not in terms of saying yes to Christ. The very idea of somebody living a life without sex is unheard of for them. So they see their job as finding mates for everybody. Men are encouraged to “man up.” Women are told they will be old maids. Another huge problem is that the church (at least Protestant) has never defined what marriage is, when it starts and when it ends. To come to terms with the fact that marriage begins with sex and not with a state sanctioned wedding, bridesmaids, and exchange of vows is something they are afraid of talking about. You’re right. Not everyone is called to marriage. I’m one of those people. John (53)

    Reply
  3. James Wesley

    As a single, whether you’re content with it or not, for sure, you often feel ignored.

    If you’re a church pastor, or a church elder, you’re most likely married. You were single once, sure, but it was probably a long time ago. In my experience, these people are always married, and married young. There’s that aspect. Then there’s the fact that the Bible simply has more to say about marriage than it does about singleness. So it’s easier to talk about in sermons. I also think sometimes, as Christians we can get the idea that Christian singles are single by choice. Or that Christian singles are simply single because that’s where God “has them right now.” But people aren’t mind readers. Not everyone knows why you’re still single, or how badly you might want love. They can’t know how much singleness hurts unless you open up about it. And we often don’t. Easier to avoid the subject. Often we slap on a fake smile and pretend everything’s fine. And then we end up even more invisible.

    But yeah, singles are often overlooked in at least some ways in church. Sometimes it’s rather subtle and unintentional, of course. At my own church we’ve had “marriage conferences,” for instance. We’ve never had any church-wide events about singleness or dating (except for one high-school-ministry I remember) I actually work in my church bookstore, and the only “relationship books” we had were about marriage — nothing about singleness or dating. I did, however, suggest some, and we’ve started working on that, and they’ve been actually been selling pretty well. Just one example. People aren’t mind readers. If we want our churches to minister to singles more, well, we’ll have to talk to people about it. Of course, it’s easier to stew on the inside and complain. That used to be all I ever did, basically. It didn’t help, of course, haha.

    I don’t mean to whine too much. It’s just rather relatable.

    Reply

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