Last week, I had a week-long intensive course where I learned about the teaching and learning process. While trying to take in so much information about all the different philosophies and methodologies of teaching, I also heard from people at various colleges, universities, and churches that are already actively in teaching positions from across the country and some from other countries like Canada and Columbia. It was a privilege to be able to glean insights from other people’s experiences and learn from them. Yet, at the end of the week, I was quite exhausted. After the class was over, I slept for awhile. I used to have more stamina in these kinds of academic environments, but I felt my brain muscles tire much faster than they used to. I’m so impressed by people who have the ability and gifting to study and stay engaged all day long, but it also made me realize how difficult it now is for me. I’m learning how to live with my limitations, and to try not to push myself too hard, since I know that I’m a human being and not a human doing.
Not only was it mentally taxing, I also see how much of my energy went to battling my own insecurities and doubts. Being in a room full of very intelligent and experienced people made me wonder if I was really supposed to be there – if I really had anything to contribute to the conversation. Being a young, minority woman, growing up in a culture where I was taught to be quiet and to not make waves, it took more effort to speak up in a room full of older, wiser people. Also being more of an internal processor, where it takes time for me to formulate my thoughts, it took a lot of energy to try to keep up with the conversation, and to try to say something substantial before they moved on to the next topic. Then, there’s the energy that it takes to read other people’s responses and to gauge how other people are responding. These are #introvertproblems, #highlysensitivepeopleproblems.
Yet, even in the struggle to keep going, I’m grateful for many things. I’m grateful for friends who encouraged me and prayed for me throughout the week, and for my friends who prayed for me after the week was over. Their encouragement and prayers were nourishment for my soul. I’m grateful for the support of my boyfriend who made sure I ate well (which is something that I sometimes forget to do when I’m so busy). I was also reminded of this passage throughout the week, 1 Corinthians 1: 26-31:
For consider your calling, brothers: not many of you were wise according to worldly standards, not many were powerful, not many were of noble birth. But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong; God chose what is low and despised in the world, even things that are not, to bring to nothing things that are, so that no human being might boast in the presence of God. And because of him you are in Christ Jesus, who became to us wisdom from God, righteousness and sanctification and redemption, so that, as it is written, “Let the one who boasts, boast in the Lord.”
This passage reminds me that God uses the weak and foolish things of this world to show His power, and it reminds me that I need to remain dependent on His grace and strength to get me through these times. God reminds me that I don’t have to be the most knowledgeable or the most articulate, that He already loves me. I’m already His child saved by His grace alone, not because of anything I’ve done or any of my own skills or capability. It’s about His power and His wisdom being shown to the world, and ultimately it’s about His glory that is on display. I just need to be faithful to where He’s called me in the present time, and allow Him to do His work.
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