Working on a college campus, I can feel the anticipation of the new semester in the air, as classes just started last week. There are more students around exploring the campus and trying to register for classes. You can tell who are the new freshmen with the quizzical looks as they try to figure out where they are supposed to go, accompanied by worried parents as they send their kids off to college for the first time. The hustle and bustle of the campus continues to grow as more students move into their dorms, and all the activities of Welcome Week ensue.
I’m also in anticipation mode, as I start my doctoral program this semester. It’s been two years since I’ve been out of school, and while I’m looking forward to learning and being back in a formal learning environment, I also am a bit nervous about how much work it will be. More than that, I wonder if I’m really able to do it – the whole imposter syndrome thing – pretending like I know stuff, when in reality, being quite lost, and wondering what I’m doing here. The question of “Am I good enough?” starts creeping in and then there’s the temptation to find my worth in academics instead of being centered in my identity as a child of God. While many of the writers of this blog are already near the end of their PhDs (so many smarty pants!), I’m just beginning my journey. And it will be a very long one since I’m studying part-time while working – so it’s an estimated 6 years until I graduate. When I tell people this, I see the tired look on their faces as they think about how long I’ll be in school for. (One of my uncles recently exclaimed, “6 more years! And your boyfriend is going to be ok with that?” Lol. Thankfully, he is supportive of me pursuing this endeavor and it helps that he teaches on the same campus, and that we share a similar love of Disneyland. My mother will be happy to know that I found a guy who likes smart girls. Hah.) And while I am a big nerd and love learning, it sometimes does seem like quite an arduous task to be in school for so long. I’m trying to just take it one step at a time, so as to not get too overwhelmed. And for now, it is just the beginning. And with beginnings, there is excitement, anxiety, anticipation, insecurity, doubt, dreams, and hope all wrapped together.
My friend sent me this song called “Captain” by Hillsong United, and it reminds me of God’s faithfulness in guiding me even though I don’t know where He’s taking me.
People also often ask what I want to do after I get the PhD, like do I want to go into teaching? And I honestly don’t really know at this point. It’s weird to tell people that I’m starting such a long program with no concrete goal at the end of it. All I know is that I came into the program wanting to continue my research on shame and healing in the Asian-American community and that I want to be a voice for this community. I know that I like research and writing and that this program will give me the space to be able to do that. So, I’m trusting that God will lead me each step of the way and that I’m where I’m supposed to be in the present moment. And so it begins…
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