Should I Have a Baby

Andrew Kelley

One of the clients that I work with on a regular basis is autistic. This is a curse and a blessing. The curse is that for him, life is difficult. He can’t relate to other people in a typical fashion and this fact makes it hard to develop a relationship with him. The blessing is that he will always, without flinching, tell me his opinion. I know that I always get the truth when he shares his thoughts with me no matter how ugly, intrusive, or offensive it is.

The other day, we were in the car together and I was talking with him about moving to Scotland to earn a degree at a university over there. He quickly told me that I shouldn’t start having children until I was done. This of course, wasn’t his business, but what I find funny about this story is that it’s one of many.

I can’t even count how many people had opinions about when I should have children after I got married. I can honestly say that I always looked forward to marriage, but not necessarily to having children – although I always thought I would have children – and I was shocked when I realized how connected these two life steps were. So many people assumed that being married meant having children, and this is a concept I have been wrapping my mind around lately. This reflection happened, and continues to happen, alongside the unsolicited opinions of others.

My conversation with my client has set my mind on some of the issues that I wrestle with as I think about the prospect of children. He doesn’t tell me to wait for children because he actually has thought it through, weighed the pros and cons, and made a thoughtful, reasoned decision. He tells me to wait because it is what his mother or father or teacher told him. And they told him that because our culture has a pervasive problem. Children are burdens and not blessings. They are financial risks, accidents, and hitches in plans.

It may seem hypocritical of me – having been married for three years with no children – to make those statements, but it is part of the process that I need to think through in considering parenthood.

If my decision to wait for children is motivated out of a misunderstanding of the blessing that they are, then it is a bad decision. I don’t want to be selfish, or materialistic, or overly committed to my plans and miss out on something that could be far greater.

On the other hand, I’m not willing to say that it is wrong to wait for children after marriage. I don’t think there are any Biblical mandates one can use to argue that case and in many situations, it may be prudent.

But, I want to live an examined life and don’t want to contribute to what may be a severe misstep in our cultural ethos.

Any thoughts?

Illustration © Kelly McNutt – used by permission

Andrew Kelley is a life-long member of Hope Chapel and has spent much of his life there in ministry.  For nearly ten years he both volunteered for and was employed by Special Ministries Disability Outreach, a ministry designed for persons with developmental disabilities.  After that he spent two years serving as Hope Chapel’s High School Youth Pastor.  He completed a BA from a Biola University in Southern California and an MA in New Testament Theology from Talbot seminary.  He and his wife are moving to Edinburgh this fall so that he can pursue a PhD in Divinity. His personal areas of interest are Early Christian Origins, Theology, the cultural relevance of Christian ideas, and theological integration.  He lives with his wife in Torrance, CA. His best friend is his wife and his worst enemy is Time Warner Cable. You can follow him on Twitter at@drosjk.

Andrew Kelley
Andrew is a former regular contributor to The Two Cities.

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24 responses to “Should I Have a Baby”

  1. winnie

    it took us 10 years to finally yield to god’s plan and adopted darynne. she is now 10!!! in the past 10 years, we have come to realize that no one is ever “ready” to be a parent. the thought of being a parent scared me like nothing else. but god is soooo good and he equips you as he calls you. there are days (and there will always be days) when i think, “really, god? you think i can handle this?” and his answer is always “i don’t make mistakes and yes, you and i, can handle this together”……sounds cliche, but truly, we are raising her up by being on our knees! in his time, my brother, in his time! and if that time happens to be while you are in scotland-how much fun is that for the child to say, i was born in scotland?! and be able to experience another culture at such a fun age!

    Reply
    1. Andrew Kelley

      Thanks for the comment Winnie. I wonder how often the connection between having children and trusting God is made.

      Reply
  2. Craig

    I think you nailed it with leading “an examined life.” Too often people will jump to the conclusion of either waiting for kids or having kids and then rationalizing backwards, so that they convince themselves of the path they’ve predetermined. I would argue that is far more important to start with where God has you (& your spouse) now and moving forward. It may be that He hasn’t placed that burden in your heart, yet. When He does, you won’t mistake it and it will be awesome.

    From a guy who rationalized away nearly 10 years of marriage before having kids. 🙂

    Reply
    1. Andrew Kelley

      “It may be that He hasn’t placed that burden in your heart, yet. When He does, you won’t mistake it and it will be awesome.”

      This I believe is the most important issue. When God calls you to do something, it is impossible to ignore. It eats away at you until you do it. That voice – obviously corroborated by scripture and counsel – is the most important voice to listen to. Thanks for the comment.

      Reply
      1. J

        I’d be interested to know how often God makes it apparent to people that they should be having kids…

        What if someone never feels that call? Should they not have kids? Or, rather, does God not have a stance on whether they have kids or not?

        Reply
        1. Andrew Kelley

          That’s a really good point. I would want to elevate personal conviction over abstract opinions about the connection between marriage and childbirth, but maybe that leaves the door open to “never feel called.” If that door is left open, then I couldn’t argue at all that it is ever wrong not to have kids because I can’t know what someone is being “called to.”

          Reply
  3. Cathy

    Children are a grand adventure. They have a way of drawing you closer to Christ and making you so aware of your own sin and selfishness. Because, yes, we all are selfish, materialistic, and overly committed to our own plans. Isn’t that the human condition? In our culture and lives there is nothing prudent about having children – unless you become a farmer and need the farm hands ASAP. There is nothing sensible about laying down our lives. But Christ logic beats out worldly logic. It’s all about relationship, rubbing up against your fellow sinner, and learning to love/accept the experience as Christ fashions us to be more like Him. When your fellow sinner is your own child, that is the best thing ever!

    Scotland is an adventure, one you’ll enjoy so much more because your with your best friend. Maybe a child would make that experience that much fuller.

    Reply
    1. Andrew Kelley

      Cathy,

      I think that it is an interesting point to make that having children is laying down your life. Many (including me) struggle with having children because it might get in the way of my plans. this is an attitude that I want to fight in my own life. Thanks for reading…feel free to share!

      Reply
  4. J

    I agree with your reasoning. I don’t think there is a biblical mandate to have kids at a certain time…

    It seems, though, that your article skews towards the defensive. )At the very least you don’t proclaim a desire to have kids right now.) I suppose that makes sense when you’re told to do something that you don’t have a desire to do… At least not right now.

    If there is a bit of defensiveness in your article, why? Is it simply in rebuttal of those that tell you to have kids? Or is there a deeper issue there… Ones that you hinted towards?

    Reply
    1. Andrew Kelley

      J,

      Thanks for the comment….and the prying question. Not so much defensiveness but and effort to sort of stand in the middle. I feel this is a bit of a polarizing issues (one that I wasn’t aware of before I got married). I am not ready to label delaying procreation after marriage as sinful because I just don’t see the Biblical mandate, but I do want to examine my heart and thoughts in this area. If you sense a hint of defensiveness, then maybe it’s there and I need to think about that.

      Reply
      1. J

        I’m just wondering where the defensiveness might come from.. if it’s even there.

        Is it a hidden (to even you) feeling of guilt? Or is it a defense against being told what to do?

        Either way, when you do have kids, they’re going to be really smart. So they’ll probably like me a lot. And I’d like for them to call me “Uncle” or some other endearing term…

        Reply
        1. Andrew Kelley

          I plan on having all of my children refer to you as Convict No. 113233, just to annoy you.

          Reply
          1. J

            I’ll find plenty of bad habits for your kids to pick up in the meantime…

          2. Scott

            most assuredly the appropriate term. It is generally not advised to give deference and terms of endearment/family identity to mere acquaintances desiring increased connection and access to your children.

  5. Amy

    Before we got married, Pastor Zac asked us about our plans concerning children. “We want them,” was Josh’s quick reply, “but maybe not right away.” Zac looked us both straight on and asked, “If you trust God in other aspects of your life, why don’t you trust Him to decide when you are ready to have children?” To this day I have no good answer for that question. If we truly view children as a blessing in the biblical sense, why don’t we want to have them right away? I can’t think of any other blessings to which we respond, “Thanks God, but not right now. Maybe you can put these blessings on layaway for me until I’m ready to count the cost.” So it was a hard issue not to get defensive about. On the one hand, we had prayed about and felt ok about our decision to use birth control. On the other hand, there didn’t seem to be any “right” way to respond to Zac’s question. If you think of one, I’d love to hear it.

    Reply
    1. Andrew Kelley

      Amy,

      I think that this is a really difficult question. But I feel like it might be a little bit beside the point. There has to be something morally insufficient about waiting for it to be “not trusting God.” At least in my opinion.

      Reply
  6. Penny Ross

    Andrew,

    We waited. We were married over 4 years before we had Joe, but the reasons were entirely selfish. I had worked hard for my college degree and I wanted a fling in the career world before I became a mom. Thankfully, when we were ready, God blessed us with a beautiful baby on our timetable. Before the next baby, I asked everyone I knew who had kids, what was a good spacing. Amy is the result of all that advice. Two babies right when we wanted them — thanks to modern medicine and the prevalent view in our culture that we can plan our families.

    Andy was later than “my” plan and the 3 miscarriages after that were not in “my” plan either. Yes, Greg and I were praying and committing our family to the Lord all during this time. But somehow, I thought it was my “right” to schedule kids when I thought it best in our lives. I can’t help but wonder what would have happened if I was more open to His plan instead of focusing on my plan.

    You may have not found a biblical mandate to have children. But the fact that it comes naturally to most couples exercising their marital gift would lead us to conclude that God intended this to happen. The fact that we have to use medical intervention to prevent it from happening should lead us to ask a different question. That might be something along the lines of “Is God telling us not to have a baby right now?”

    We must be careful not to let birth control usurp our desire for God to control our lives and our families!

    Reply
  7. Karen Husmann

    Penny’s comment reminded my of my two favorite oxymorons: “Birth Control” and “Family Planning.” And she didn’t mention certain problems that come later with “perfect” spacing. Anyway, that’s her story. My story:

    I’m not a baby or kid person. I never thought of myself as being a good parent or anything like that, and was not eager to produce children.

    One day, a woman that I knew was speaking to a group of ladies at our church. She described raising three daughters, their godly upbringing, and how her firstborn ended up pregnant out of wedlock. In spite of all the shock and grief of that situation, her second daughter followed suit. I looked at the speaker and thought, “If she and her husband, being such wonderful, godly people, somehow had their kids do such horrendous things… it’s hopeless!” So I threw in the towel and decided, what the heck, I might as well have kids.

    Those who know the story of that particular clan know that God brought blessing out of sin, after a lot of pain and repentance. The speaker now enjoys a host of delightful grandkids, even great-grandkids, as well as good relationships with her daughters and sons-in-law.

    Results with kids are simply not guaranteed. There’s always that element of leaping before you look, simply because we can’t know what will happen.

    Reply
  8. Geoff Alfassa

    Andrew you made the statement about It needing to be morally insufficient, do you think that God’s words to Adam and eve to be faithful and multiply are morally insufficient? Also if it is, how do you think idea of delaying kids might relate to James 4:13-17?

    Reply
  9. Scott

    This is an interesting discussion with logical arguments on both sides; but does this issue end with the pragmatic philosophical pundits or is there a cultural or biblical framework that guides the decisions. Culturally there are some interesting considerations that one must be mindful of especially in non-proselytizing religions and/or cultures.
    For example the stats show that Zoroastrianism, once one of the world’s largest religions, will swiftly disappear due to the sheer lack of descendant followers. The same fate is projected for American Jews by many theorists including Alan M. Dershowitz in his book The Vanishing American Jew: In Search of Jewish Identity for the Next Century. He states that in previous times, the threats to Jewish survival were external – the virulent consequences of anti-Semitism. Now, however, in late-twentieth-century America, the danger has shifted. Jews today are more secure, more accepted, more assimilated, and more successful than ever before. They’ve dived into the melting pot – and they’ve achieved the American Dream. And that, according to Dershowitz, is precisely the problem. More than 50 percent of Jews will marry non-Jews, and their children will most often be raised as non-Jews. Which means, in the view of Dershowitz, that American Jews will vanish as a distinct cultural group sometime in the next century.
    I have included some stats on this issue under the relevant links below.
    For the Christian these stats generally hold true thus an analogous cultural decline would be expected. Does the story end there? Thus for sheer cultural reasons we must have children assuming that we value culture over cash and convenience. But the latter is obviously the precedence as is seen in the study highlighted below and elsewhere.
    Where then does this discussion leave post-modern protestants living in a secular culture with in-bred value structures?
    I think we need to take an ode from Michael J. Fox in Back to the Future when he comes to the scene where he sees his childhood photo fading thus his fading identity and decides to go back in time to repair the past; which recasts the future.
    Going Back to the Past involves Christians taking a look at the theology of offspring and the relevant biblical imagery used to describe a person with a genealogy and a lineage legacy that lives beyond the lifespan of the ink on the fast fading photo in Back-To-The-Future.
    The pertinent question I have in considering this subject is: What is God’s perspective on evangelistic replication vs. human reproduction.
    In the spirit of brevity here are 2 sample texts with interpretations from John Piper.
    Mark 10:29-30, Jesus said, “Truly, I say to you, there is no one who has left house or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or lands, for my sake and for the gospel, who will not receive a hundredfold now in this time, houses and brothers and sisters and mothers and children and lands, with persecutions, and in the age to come eternal life.” Here Jesus shifts the absolute from having children biologically to having hundreds of children through the family of Christ and through spiritual influence. It might include adoption. It might include foster care. It might include ministry. It might include hospitality. It might include your nursery job or your care for your nieces and nephews or the Sunday School class you teach. The point is: Marriage is not absolutely for making children; but it is absolutely for making children followers of Jesus one way or the other, directly or indirectly.
    In Romans 9:8, Paul said, “It is not the children of the flesh who are the children of God, but the children of the promise are counted as offspring.” In other words, in God’s kingdom, bringing “children of the flesh” into being is not absolute, but seeking to bring into being “children of God” is absolute.
    In light of the above, hopefully our delorean has brought us back to where we started but with a new awareness and appreciation of the relevant issues and considerations.

    Relevant links:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8WMZAe5thcA
    http://www.simpletoremember.com/articles/a/WillYourGrandchildrenBeJews/
    http://www.simpletoremember.com/vitals/vanishing.htm
    http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000C4T0SC/ref=lpr_g_1/002-2918823-4920045?s=ebooks&v=glance&n=551440

    Reply
  10. Matt

    I didn’t read any of these other comments, so forgive me if this is redundant or off-topic or whatever.

    I think many of us suffer from a certain idealism about getting our lives in order. I’ll get married, pay off debt, get my phd, then I’ll land that great job and save up money for a house, then I’ll have kids.

    People do this with children, marriages, missions, etc. I have two thoughts on this issue:

    1. I think we need to think more in terms of individual calling, rather than common sense, worldly standards, or whatever. Pray about it, talk to your wife, and if you are led to believe that now’s the time–regardless of whatever else you’re trying to accomplish–then try to have kids.

    2. I also think we live under the illusion of getting our lives together, where “together” means having an easy life. This is just bogus. Life was, is, and will be a struggle–and by God’s grace it can be a beautiful struggle. Our lives are their ugliest when we try to arrange them to be struggle-free. You’ll never have your life together before or after you have kids, remember that.

    Reply
  11. Becky

    First, no matter how we think we might be planning, God is thoroughly in charge of when a married (read between the lines) couple has children. He can usurp the best laid plans by either providing (oops!) or withholding children even when we as mere mortals do our best to plan. Because of this, even those who do their best to be prudent and have children at a logical time are still at the mercy of God’s greater plan. One must have faith. The baby who arrives during an inconvenient time creates growth in parents in a way that nothing else can, as does the process of finding that you are unable to have children when you finally think you are ready. If you have a plan, and stick to it, and God blesses it, you may still find times when you think, “What have I done?” If you wait and children don’t come easily you may wonder if you thwarted God’s actual timing and have now missed out. And while neither of those reactions seems faith-filled, they are part of a myriad of questions that remain part of the process of being a parent or a prospective parent.

    My second thought, upon reading both your post and the replies that followed, is this: sometimes a man or a woman’s desire to have children is spurred on by that of his or her husband or wife. If one partner is desirous of children before the other, as often happens, it is absolutely necessary that love be predominant. If a bundle of joy arrives during such a period, the reluctant spouse must be immediately and completely on board so that there is no blame, lack of sympathy, or attitude of, “Well, this is what YOU wanted.” If the child, much desired by one spouse, doesn’t present when expected, there must be a presence of unconditional love and shared mourning by the party who was initially less affected.
    I don’t believe there is evil in waiting. We make all kinds of plans that seem best to us, and trust God to direct our hearts so that our desires are His desires. As long as your heart is turned to Him and to your wife, I trust that the path you travel will be the one which is actually put before you by His leading.
    God bless you both!

    Reply
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  13. kevinP

    I understand that is it popular or easy to say, “If you trust God in other aspects of your life, why don’t you trust Him to decide when you are ready to have children?”
    But does this statement apply or makes sense to spouses who have genetic diseases they don’t wish to pass on to offspring?
    Personally, I have a genetic condition that I would not wish on anyone.
    Does that mean I should leave it up to God if my offspring contract my disease too?
    Or should I use the tools available to me today to make sure I don’t pass on the disease and instead adopt other children?

    Reply

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